Near's Inner Agony
by LixxieLicious
Summary: Near is all alone. He feels like he has no real reason to live, because of Mello's constant bullying and a girl named Rose who broke his heart without a second thought. To releive to pain, he cuts himself to let out his feelings. Will he ever make a true friend? NearxL with a hint of NearxMello. Maybe an eventual Matt.
1. Rose

Near's Inner Agony

I have always felt alone. I have always been so different than everybody else. All the other kids always make fun of me; because I have such sliver-ish white hair when I am only fourteen. Because I still play with my toys. Because I am supposed to take L's place eventually, even though all the other kids are desperate and wish I did not exist, just so they can be his successor. They all hated me. Especially Mello. He was the second smartest kid in the whole orphanage, and the only thing standing in the way is me.

He is main one who picks on me; he constantly is threatening me, and beating me, upon other things. I remember one time when I was making a small robot out of wood and painting it to look like Optimums Prime. Mello walked in and saw what I was doing, though I tried my best to hide it, called me a faggot for doing such things, and started to break off pieces of the wood as though it were cardboard. I had been working on that for two months, and I had become attached to it, since my toys are the only real friends I had ever had. (They do not judge you for anything. They will always be there for you, no matter what happens. And they couldn't betray you, ever.) I couldn't help but let my emotions overwhelm me as I shed a single tear.

Mello noticed and laughed at me very hard. "Oh my God, he's actually crying! What a pussy! Just because I broke you gay-ass robot? You really are a faggot!" he laughed for a couple more minutes while I slowly sulked towards the door. Other people had heard and saw what was going on, and they refused to let me through. They pushed me back into the room, and Mello got on top of me, straddling me. He punched me in the face several times, till my nose bled. I never said anything about it.

I want to tell someone desperately, since maybe then the torture would stop. But I know he would find out easily and punish me for it. Then I met this one girl, named was Rose, who came from America after her parents died in a car crash. Her hair was a very light yellow, a little like mine, except she was still clearly blonde. She had very pale skin with just a hint of rosy color, and her cheeks where much rosier. (Much like her name) She also had big, beautiful, green eyes that where such a delicate, pastel, shade of green, and it seemed like if you made eye with her contact once, they would put you into a spell.

A love spell.

When she first arrived, I felt kind of happy to have someone new who didn't know anything about me. A fresh start, if you will. I gathered up all my courage to go up to her and welcome her to the orphanage. As soon as I was able to take a step or two forward, Mello came from her side, put his arm around her shoulder, and started to welcome her. I felt very sick for quite a while, and then in one of my classes, I sat next to her. We were supposed to have partners for the given math assignment. She looked around a little, as though very nervous and anxious. She clearly was very shy about asking for a partner.

I tapped her shoulder and asked if she would appeal to working with me. She smiled and said "Sure thing, Sweetie!". She had a slight cowboy accent that was actually kind of arousing. I couldn't help but blush a faint red; no girl had ever said anything positive to me before. We exchanged names, and giggled when I told her mine. "That's an interesting name! Do you have a brother named Close?" we laughed a little, and started to work on the project.

She was extremely nice to me. No one had ever been so nice to me before. I felt like I was going to actually make my first friend. After all my classes were over, I headed up to my room and started to write in my private journal. It was the only thing I had that no one else knew about, the only thing that was truly mine; Only mine. It was over-flowing with my feelings and secrets, and I tried desperately to keep this one shred of my life private. For about a half-an-hour, the only thing I was writing about was Rose. About how she treated me, how nice she was to me, how she actually seemed to like me.

About how much I liked her.

But I was so caught up in writing about my precious Rose I didn't notice Mello come into my room without knockin. Rose was right behind him. "Hey, gay boy, whatcha got there? Oooo, is that a diary?" he said mockingly as he ripped it out of my hands. "No! Give it back!" I screamed. Rose laughed as he ignored me and starting reading my precious secrets. What? Did Rose not mean anything she said to me? Was it just a stupid prank? Mello's eyes widened and he grew a giant smirk as he said, very tauntingly, "Looks like faggy has a crush! I'm so sorry to tell you this Near, but Rose is a WOMAN."

He walked out of the room with the only secret thing that was truly mine.


	2. Betrayal

Chapter 2

He took my journal. The only thing that was truly mine, and mine alone. The only one that actually kept my secrets. And Rose… she had betrayed me. I stared in awe and horror as the two walked out of the room, arms linked together. I mostly stared at Rose, who looked back at me and lipped the words ''I'm sorry.''

I felt horrid. Rose thinks that she could just do whatever she wanted with me, say sorry, and then everything would be okay? That… Bitch! That bitch just wants to use me for her own personal gain, and nothing more! I should have known better than to trust that… that… that WHORE!

I swear I will make her regret this, and I promise I will never forget what she has done to me… She no longer deserves to breathe. I knew that deep within my heart I have already forgiven her, but my brain refused the thought of it, saying she would just take further advantage of me. I suddenly felt sick, and my stomach felt like it was containing a tornado. I recognized this feeling and quickly ran to the bathroom, hands over my mouth.

I heaved my lunch from earlier into the toilet bowl, stopping for a couple seconds thinking it was over, then hurled again. I did this a couple more times till I had nothing left to vomit up. I flushed the toilet and sat up against the wall right next to it. I felt awful. I looked down at my hands, which had traces of puke on them since I had lots of trouble keeping it down.

I sat there for a couple more minutes, feeling too sick to stand up. I eventually forced myself up and slowly crept to the sink to wash my hands and face. I looked up into the mirror, staring at the being in front of me who had his wet, silver, hair plastered to his forehead, his black eyes slightly red and filled with tears and all sorts of different emotions. Hurt, sadness, anger, pain, and loneliness. I had my mouth open slightly, but then closed it as I glared at myself; slowly filling myself up with rage as I looked at disgusting face, disgraced with myself. I may have had top grades, but I was a complete imbecile when it came to anything else.

I also looked at my facial features very carefully, looking at every detail, feeling like a tea kettle getting steamed up till it screams. I felt disgusted at myself, thinking that Rose felt something for me. I was nothing more than the replacement for the one they all worshipped. I suddenly didn't want this title anymore; it has caused nothing but trouble and humiliation. I just wanted to be a normal kid. Why couldn't I just be normal?

I heard a knock at my door. I looked away from the mirror and glanced at my bathroom door, which was closed. "Who is it?" I replied, a touch of anger and annoyance in my voice. "It's Roger. I just wanted to tell that L wanted to see you and he will be coming in within the next hour."

What the FUCK? Why would L want to speak with me? And was it so important to have it on such short notice? I looked at myself in mirror again. '_I guess I better look a little more presentable than I currently do if he actually coming' _I thought to myself. My normal silky white pajamas where covered in wrinkles and vomit. My hair was still a little wet from getting my face wet and was very messy. I got naked and was about to step into the shower. Before I did so, I heard what seemed like shuffling. I ignored it, since I always locked my door, and for some reason I had been feeling a little more on edge than usual.

I was just about to clean myself when the door flung open, revealing Mello holding a chocolate bar. "Hello, faggot." He said coolly as he bit into his chocolate. I felt frozen in fear. I couldn't move; like his dull blue eyes where keeping me in place. "I see you're ready to put on a show for me, princess." He said seductively before licking his lips.

I widened my eyes in fear, and gasped. But I still couldn't move. I desperately wanted to at least move, to do something. He slowly walked towards me as he fineshed his candy bar and smirked. "That bitch, Rose, wasn't putting out for me. So I thought that I would a pay a little visit to you instead, since I knew you would be more than willing." I felt my whole body tense up and fill with terror as he grabbed me by the shoulders, turned me around, and throw me to the ground. My head had hit the side of the tub very hard, causing it to bleed. I moaned in response, and Mello chuckled. I felt very weak and frail, but I still tried to push myself up. Mello shoved his elbow into my back and sent my lying on the ground once more.

Then I heard a zipping sound. I tried to crawl away once, but he grabbed my hips and dragged me backward. I felt something press against my entrance, and gasped in surprise. He covered my mouth to see that I wouldn't alert anyone of what was happening, and in one thrust he shoved his entire length inside of me. It felt like my insides were on fire; his shaft was so huge and thick made me stretch more than I thought possible as he tore the virgin flesh.

He laughed at my pathetic attempts to escape by crawling away. He took it out so that the tip was the only thing in, then shoved it in again. "My, my, you are so much tighter than I thought. With all the play time you get… I'm surprised." He grinned as he took it out, shoved it in again very quickly. In, out, in, out, in, out, again and again and again, faster and faster and faster. The pain was unbearable… until he hit that one spot which made me let out a moan…

'_No! I can't possibly like this! For God's sake, this is the monster I have feared and hated for so many years, no way, ever, would I ever enjoy him raping me. Ever.' _I forced myself to think repeatedly. I can't and I won't like it. He hit it again. '_But oh my god… it feels sooooo good… I don't think I can hold in my moans…' _I thought again as I let another soft, quiet, moan.

Mello started petting my hair with his hand. "Does my little bitch like being fucked? Well, I'll see to that." He complied angrily and fucked me even harder, obviously trying to not hit my prostate again. After that, I just hurt and burned like fire like it did before. He kept going faster and faster, harder and harder, till he could barely keep in his own moans and groans, and I felt him cum inside of me.

I screamed, and he just hit me in the back of the head. He grabbed me by my hair. "Don't you ever even think about telling anyone about this. Ever. Because, if you do, I fucking promise you that you will never be able to even open your mouth again." He asserted. He dropped me to ground and left my room.

As he left, I heard him mutter the word "Faggot."


	3. New Bliss

Yes, I know its been quite a while since I've been writing at all. I just have been quite busy, OKAY?! Jeez…

In all seriousness, I'm sorry it's been so long. And since it's been a while since I have written ANYTHING, so I kinda forgot how to write a little bit… :I Sorry aboot that…

Chapter 3

I fell apart. I could barely keep myself from crying. It took me a short while to get up, but I kept letting more and more tears flow down my face as I stepped into the shower. I was trying to calculate when L was supposed to arrive, mainly just to think about something other than what just happened.

Okay, so… 'that' had taken about a half-an-hour, and I was on the floor for about five minutes… I have about 25 minutes before he comes in. I thought. L was never one to be late, but never one to be early either, so I was sure about that.

I took a sponge and tried to wash away all blood and semen from my legs and asshole, but it took longer than I thought. The sponge was completely soaked with his seamen and my blood. Disgusted, I threw it in the trash and tried to wipe away with just my hands. I grabbed a bar of soap, and tried that.

After about fifteen minutes, my body was clean. But it still didn't feel clean. I still felt, violated, disgusted, angry and depressed. I got out anyway, dried myself off, and got dressed in a new set of my silky white pajamas.

I sat on my bed. I felt sick. I felt dirty. And most of all, I felt angry. Angry at myself. I actually enjoyed Mello's cock. (only when it hit my prostate, but that's not the point.) Am I really the dirty whore he has been calling me all these years? No, I couldn't be… I didn't want to be like that…

I felt more tears flow down my face, uncontrollably. I hugged myself, rocking back and forth, trying to comfort myself. I felt like I needed to be punished for enjoying it. For not trying harder to stop it from happening. For actually believing Rose might have felt something for me.

Then a thought comes to mind. I heard about people who were labeled 'Emo' because they cut themselves… on purpose. It supposedly made them feel better, somehow…

I ran into the bathroom, grabbed a razor, and broke it open. I grabbed one of the razors, and slowly but harshly glided it across my left arm. It, truly, did feel amazing. I could feel my sins, my worry's, my negative emotions flow out through the blood as I sliced my pristine, white, skin open with the razor.

It felt better than I ever would have imagined. In more ways than one. I couldn't help but feel… aroused. As soon as the razor touched my skin a second time, closed my eyes, and I released a loud, seductive, moan. I cut my skin about three more times before I heard a knock on the door.

I opened my eyes, closed my mouth, and heard L's deep, low, husky voice. "Near? It's L. Are you alright? I thought I heard some noise in there." '_Oh shit! He heard me! And I have to clean up all this blood, too!' _"Um, give me a minute!" I yelled from the bathroom doorway.

I grabbed some toilet paper turned on the faucet. I put my arm under the warm water, and also tried to wipe it away with the thin toilet tissue. After about a minute of doing that, the bleeding stopped and I tried my arm and hands, then went to go unlock and open the door for L.

"What took you so long?" He said with a smile as he walked in. "Uhhhh… I dunno." I replied stupidly. He chuckled. "So… what did you want to talk to me about?"

Well, that's all I have got in me today. To tell the truth, I'm not even sure why I had L come talk to Near yet… Maybe because he is in love? IDK, anything you have an idea for leave it for me in the reviews for to read! :D


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